I wasn't going to confess my sins in this forum, but the overwhelming guilt compels me to make my transgressions public. Before I go there, I need you to understand that I accidentally ruined my morning coffee by forgetting to put the lid back on the pot, so now it's all full of coffee grounds but I don't want to waste it. If I come across as slightly emotional, that is why.
Josh and I saw the counselor a couple of days ago, and Josh let slip the topic of much discussion around our house lately (no, not money, that was later) but the fact that we are too easily consumed with, in his totally un-politically correct language "white people problems". As I tried to disguise my blushing with an excuse about a fever, the counselor quickly transferred this to the more palatable "first world" problems, and explained that no problems, no matter how petty, could be completely disregarded simply because there are worse problems in the world. I mean, there are ALWAYS going to be worse problems, but she said that we can't always just go around minimizing pain. In my mind, first world problems include things like the first and only manicure that I have ever paid for really sucks, and I wish I could get my money back. Josh's reference to, ahem, first world problems, was alluding to issues we are having with the kids and of course, money. And this brings me to my confession.
I decided to go 33 days without shopping for anything other than necessities. I made it just over 1 week when Victoria's Secret was giving away a free tote with purchase, American Eagle had a wool peacoat for $15 and I failed. Epically. In the moment, I justified the AE purchase with the fact that I applied for an AE credit card, and since I got it, I won't pay until my 33 days are over and therefore I am technically not cheating. But then VS happened and I had no excuses to hide behind. I only went in for the free panty. No purchase necessary. But Saturday shirts were clearanced and Sanna needed some. Plus there were colors I didn't have. And those totes ALWAYS sell on eBAy. God forgive me. Do I have to start my 33 days over or can I just keep going and acknowledge my transgression? Here are some lessons I learned from all of this: A) stay away from the Old Mill. B) Never go into Victoria's Secret. C) I am a reprobate. Josh totally wasn't mad at me for shopping. He was however, upset that I spent money, since we really don't have it. Or I don't have it, or it isn't there. Which is different than being mad at me for shopping. I had already calculated a way to make the money up to the account so we wouldn't really notice it, including making Sanna pay for her Saturday shirts, but the counselor said that is my way of expressing the subconscious control that guilt has on me. I am entirely confused about all of that because I feel like I SHOULD feel guilty for spending money unless I make it ok, right?
It's all too much. These first world problems are stressing me out, and I feel like the only thing that makes it better is shopping. But I won't. Except accidentally. Maybe. A little.
It doesn't help that I have been a lot more sick than usual lately. I've been running a fever and I think maybe slightly delirious, which would be a great scapegoat for my spending the other day, but I will be big and take responsibility. Josh is arranging his ship out date for April, and I can't believe how excited I am to have a surgery. It's almost ridiculous.
Another thing I am not giving up well is food. I have been somewhat naughty in my eating habits. I would feel worse, except that on the bright side of all of this guilt and sickness, my scale is still ever-so-slowly creeping down, and I have actually dropped below 155 finally! This is amazing, considering I haven't given up eating anything that I want, but I am still not drinking beer or cocktails, and I have figured out that I put in a mile of walking for every hour at work, so that seems to be helping. I have 5 or six days of work this week so maybe I will be down to 150 by the time I get my tattoo on the 6th of March after all! This was my original goal! The juice is extra-disgusting this week but it is working. And greek yogurt with granola for lunch, and pretty much anything I want for dinner. I even rocked a couple of blue cheese burgers with fries last week. I better not get cocky. Normally I would exaggerate my failures in weight loss publicly, partially out of false humility and partially so people will be surprised when they see how skinny I am, and be all like "dang girl, you look goo-ood!" But Mom says it isn't really working and people just want to feel sorry for me so I decided to be more truthful. But you can still say "dang girl..." when you see me if you want.
Before I go, I'd like to give a shout out to my littlest brother who ain't so little on his 26th Birthday. I am proud of him! All little brothers should be like Gabe. Or Ben. I have pretty rad brothers.
