I quit caring for a minute. I mean, not about everything, and really it was more like several days. In fact it still is. Something in me is shut down and I am just lacking the, I dunno, WHAM! that I usually feel. My emotions went on vacation. In some ways this is a good thing, in other ways, not so much. Josh is fairly certain that I have left him emotionally for someone else, but sadly I haven't really cared enough to explain that I have left him for nothing. I told him last night that I think I subconsciously disengaged my emotions to avoid dealing with the pain that seems to be worse every day. I think if I acknowledged how much I am hurting (physically), my emotions would make me climb the walls or do something hysterical. I really hate complaining about my pain, or mentioning it at all, but especially for people like Josh who have to live with me every day, while it doesn't justify my a**holishness, it definitely explains it. I want to not say another word about how I am hurting, because I feel like one of those drug/attention seekers who has nothing better to talk about, but quite frankly, I don't. I must get over this. I must find something more compelling than my pain to think/talk/feel about. This is particularly hard since I am trying not to shop. As shallow as it sounds I get a certain endorphin rush from shopping, especially insanely good deals, that doesn't kill the pain but distracts me from it. But unfortunately, even if I hadn't taken a vow of shopping-celibacy, I have not a dime to spend anyway. I wish I could be the personal shopper for rich people. I think that would fix the problem. What in the world is wrong with me, that I get giddy when I get to shop? I am a very shallow person. God forgive me. Would that I could muster up the same excitement over cooking my family dinner or making my bed. I think right now I need a reset button. You know, like on the computer when it keeps freezing up and you just restart? Or the vacuum cleaner, when the brush stops spinning in the powerhead, and you have to cut all the hair out and then reset it? (this is a daily occurrence here. Is that weird?) I need a button to push to re-engage my emotions and my vision and hope and to kick start myself. Even a beer sampler and pretty divine mac n cheese at a new brew pub the other night didn't get me all riled up. And THAT is weird. By the way, check out the new Worthy Brewing pub right here on the Eastside. Again, divine Mac N Cheese. So I guess it gets me a little excited.
I think I need a slap in the face or a jump into the cold Columbia right there at China Bend. I need to remember how feeling feels. I need to take the pain and use it as a reminder of how good not-pain is. For now, it's just one foot in front of the other, get through the day. I am not unhappy, or depressed. But I am not happy or excited either. I am just nothing. Is this normal? Am I crazy? Did I fry the serotonin producers in my head with one too many ibuprofens? I probably need to have a good cry, or something girly like that - but it's so non-productive. Did I turn Vulcan when no one was looking? What the heck is wrong with me? I think even Josh prefers the over-emotional drama queen that is Liv to this monotone zombie.
Anyway, I'll get back to you when I get back to feeling...
