Things About Spilling My Guts

I've always been full of words. Over full. Overflowing with words that I've  splashed around wantonly. Careless at times about the damage they do and the repercussions. I can't contain them. They MUST get out. I need to be heard. I wear my words like the latest fashion, gaudy and superficial and then I look back sometimes and think oh.my.god. What was I thinking? Just like those lightening bolt hammer pants in 1990 and the puffed sleeves of my 8th grade graduation nightmare dress that were outdone in poofiness  only by my freshly permed bangs.

But then, much like my fashion sense, I go through dry spells, verbal constipation, when the moisture of life has been sucked out of the words caught up in my soul and they all get jammed together and can't escape. They just sit there at the top of my throat. The tips of my fingers. Drowning me with the passion pushing from behind them. I am choking to death on my own words that are dry and lifeless and do only damage as they tear out of me. They're all RIGHTTHERE. Getting jumbled together. The meaning gets switched and confused and I spew little gasps of harshness while my soul screams at me in protest.

The last couple of weeks has been a perpetual revelation of my recklessness. My whole life has been a series of reckless "leaps of faith" into unknown consequences of sometimes disasterous proportions.  So the question inevitably presents itself: how do I learn? What will help me think before I leap? Before I speak? When do the consequences teach me that the impulses aren't worth it?

The very definition of recklessness horrifies me. And at no time can I remember being utterly unconcerned about the consequences of everything. They often concern me a great deal. But I guess I somehow determine that the crime is worth the punishment. I have also been called careless, cavalier, and selfish, but that kind of goes without saying, although it is said to me quite often. I know right now I am resentful, and resent makes me an ugly person. I have many things to let go, but when they go unchanged and life just goes on... I have lived the lie of turning the other cheek. Of repetitive forgiveness. Of seventy times seven. But even Jesus didn't mandate infinite forgiveness. Even He had a limit. 490 times. Am I there yet? Because some days I feel like I am. And yet I know I am lumping all of the hurts that I forgave years ago into my forgiveness count, when really, it's only fair that I start from scratch with each new day. New person. New situation. If I were truly reckless, my life would look much different. It would involve a hut on a beach with rice and beans and ocean sunsets and nobody knowing where I am. If I were wholly selfish, I would not have the time to Keep Going. To a job that pays crap or a patchwork family that is full of rips and stains that must be fixed. If I was careless, I would cut my losses and run.

I would agree that I manifest some of the traits in all of the definitions. But I would also maintain that any human who lives in this world can say the same. So how did I strike it rich in the area of self-love and self-concern? What has brought me to this point and how do I fix it. It's taking each step and choosing to make it graceful. Make it KIND. Make it not about ME. Make it about THEM. Give love. Find love to give. Even after it's gone. Serve when you least feel like serving. Find joy in ALL that I am given. Not just the things I choose. Eat up the sunshine and shut out the rain. Believe. Hope. Cling to the high moments in the low ones. Always Be Thankful.

reckless
adjective


utterly unconcerned about the consequences of some action; without caution; careless (usuallyfollowed by of  ): to be reckless of danger.

characterized by or proceeding from such carelessness: reckless extravagance.

cavalieradjective


haughty, disdainful, or supercilious: an arrogant and cavalier attitude toward others.

offhand or unceremonious: The very dignified officials were confused by his cavalier manner.


careless
adjective


not paying enough attention to what one does: a careless typist.not exact, accurate, or thorough: careless work.


done or said heedlessly or negligently; unconsidered: a careless remark.
not caring or troubling; having no care or concern; unconcerned (usually followed by of, about,  or in  ):careless of the rights of others; careless about one's behavior; careless in speech.

possessed or caused without effort or art; unstudied: careless beauty.


selfish
adjective


devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare,etc., regardless of others.

characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives.


(http://dictionary.reference.com)